Friday, June 21, 2013

I Wish I Could Turn Back Time

My friend's son committed suicide on Tuesday and a flood of memories are haunting me. Ten years ago I had to go to counseling for my physiological damage. I thought it was something I was doing that gave my friends these morbid thoughts. These are the people that I might of been able to change. I wish they were still here so they know that people want them here.

For Shelby,
I've known for a while that your morbid jokes weren't really jokes. Now I can't handle morbid jokes. You were funny but you were hiding behind your sense of humor. You told me everything and then you kissed all of my friends. I was the only one you would talk to out of all of my friends. I know a lot of secrets about that playhouse in your back yard. I wanted to let you know that I'm sorry that you were ashamed of your parents. A mother with Parkinson and a father that copes with his wife's disease is hard but no ones family is perfect. They loved you.
I remember my mom telling me that you stopped by the house and you were acting weird. You said that you really needed to see me. I wish I was there to talk. I'm sorry I wasn't there the time that you needed me most. The weekend that you stopped by was the weekend that you left. I didn't find out about your passing until later because I wasn't close to your family. I'm sorry.

To Brett,
We knew you were having a hard time. You would sleep for hours and hours but would light up when we (my sister and sometimes my good friend Kara) could come and visit. I remember we would try to help you get ready to leave by helping you do the dishes because you didn't have a dishwasher. You would laugh at us and redo all of the dishes because we didn't ever do them to your pleasing. Memories.
The most crushing day was on the weekend that I was engaged to be married. I remember sitting next to you  at church. I pointed out my ring and you told me, "Congratulations, I'm really happy for you". It was in the most sober voice and I knew that it wasn't sincere. I don't think anyone else saw through this. I'm sure that you knew I was going to be happy and you knew that those were the words to say. I wish I would of said something more than "Thanks".

Travis,
I never saw it coming. The night before we sat in the basement and talked for about an hour. You seemed happy. I'm sorry you didn't like that fact that I didn't like your friends even if I did think that some of them were cute. Most of them lacked personalities. We were 19. I wish our conversation that night would of triggered a warning or something. Something that would of said, "I need your help". Something or anything. Our parents' marriage didn't last. I think it was from the stress of you being gone. They couldn't cope. You were always there to help. I wish I could of done the same.

Wednesday, June 5, 2013

Sorry for being absent. . .

Sorry for being gone for so long. Almost everything has happened sense I've been gone. I guess I will start off with the reason why I quit blogging. Well, we were in strict money saving mode to buy a house. We were up in the tens of thousands of dollars and then one day my little miss Marilyn decided to test the computer once again to see if it was waterproof. It wasn't. So I had a few choices: I could buy a new computer and keep on living life in an apartment, or I could veto the whole thought of having a computer for a while, save that money, put it to a house and then turn off the Internet and save an additional 50+ dollars a month. I did the extreme!
We had a house lined up for us. We thought it was going to be the perfect house. It was on acreage, it had fruit trees and a little brook that went through it. We were suppose to put down out money on the house in January 2012. The owner called three days before we were suppose to sign the papers and told us he wasn't ready to sell. How depressing.
At this point we have been in a cheap apartment complex for six months with half of our furniture out in California still because our plan was suppose to be to get into a house right away. I cried. After our housing plans fell through, we decided it would be nice to go and see some family. We had the money so why not? We could see family and friends that we missed. We planed a surprise road trip to Utah. Little did I know that the trip home would be life altering for me.

On our visit my son had a head cold so I thought nothing of it when I started to get cold like symptoms. I remember Marilyn getting a bad cold too. The problem was that my cold wasn't going away. It was a couple weeks later and my "cold" was getting worse. My muscles ached. My head throbbed. It hurt to breathe. I told myself that if I was still sick by Tuesday I would go to the doctors. My friends would look at me with sorrowful eyes. I knew that they knew better than I did about how sick I really was.
 On Saturday the 25th of March I went to the instacare and the doctor wrote me off as having bronchitis. Not even 24 hours later I was worse. Much worse. My lungs were hurting so bad that I couldn't even recline. I was pale from being short of breath even though I was trying my best to gasp for air. We went back to the instacare. This time my husband drove me there.
This time at the instacare I got an extremely irritated doctor because the first doctor gave a misdiagnosis. Then to top it off, my the doctor wanted to give me an x-ray of my lung but my irritated husband yelled at the doctor saying that I needed a CAT scan because lungs are soft tissue (CAT scans are for soft tissue like your lungs, heart and brain, and x-rays are for hard tissue like your bones). To irritate this doctor even more, the male nurses tried about seven or eight times to get an IV into me for the CAT scans contrast but they couldn't get it in. The doctor thought the nurses were not trying hard enough so the doctor came in and tried to put in the needle. That doctor was saying a lot of swear words when he was trying to find a vein. Finally one of the nurses found a vein in my hand. I got a CAT scan and before the scan was taken to a tech, it was obvious that I had pulmonary embolisms.
I was taking by ambulance to the hospital to get further care. I didn't realize that I was so weak that I needed help walking. They rolled me into the next room on a gurney or in a wheelchair. I did not have the energy or strength to walk. I was in pain. Every breath was like a dagger to my chest. How did I let myself get that sick? Because I let myself get so sick they told me I had to stay in the hospital for eleven days and then after I was out it was going to be an additional six month recovery.
 Spencer called his mother that day and she was at our house five hours later to watch our children while I was in the hospital. My friend called me seeing if we could go visiting teaching and I told her that I couldn't again. She saw through me and asked me what was really going on. I told her the truth. I told her that I was in the hospital. If it wasn't for her asking I probably would of kept it a secret from everyone at church. Because this friend knew she was able to arrange for my family to be catered to while I was completely out of commission.
 I hated being in the hospital. It was so boring. I started getting depressed. I wasn't able to do anything productive. I wanted to go home. My son's birthday was creeping up I didn't get to plan him a birthday party. I kept telling myself that I would plan the party once I was over this "cold". I never even go the chance to go out and get him a birthday present.
The day before Texas' birthday my IV vein collapsed. They tried to find a new vein. Every three or four hours a new nurse would come in and try to find a good vein. I looked battered. They never found a good vein. Because of this I was about to talk three out of four of the doctors to discharged me. I got out of the hospital the day of his 6th birthday.
My sister-in-law went out and picked out a present from mom and dad to him. We had a little family birthday party. I still had months of recovery. I was told I wasn't aloud to walk up flights of stairs for two whole months. A lot of these new "rules" sounded ridiculous. I am thankful that there are children my daughters age at church. Friends set up play dates for her. It was the first time that she's ever been away from be but it was time. At first I had to go back to the doctors every day, then it narrowed into every other day, then eventually once a week, then once a month. I was slowly getting better.
Being in the hospital for a week ate up all of our money that we saved up for our house. We went from having spending money to pinching pennies just like that. At times I felt like I was being punished for being so cheap before. We only had half of our furniture in our apartment and it showed. But then I was grateful that we still had food on the table and a roof over our head.  Before all of this we never needed handmedowns, but at this time we did. It's surprising how humbling some things are.

I will have to be honest and say that this was one of my hardest trials in life. It seemed like everywhere I turned there was another trial. This made conflict between my husband and me. There were people that thought I was making all of it up. Financially it was stressful. Emotionally it was stressful. The whole thing was hard. But then I look back and I know it could of been worse. It could be far worse. God wanted me here for a reason. I could be dead right now if things didn't work out the way that they did. I know that I can't go back and fix the way that everything turned out. At times I wished it was easier. But it truly turned out the best way that it possibly could. Everything that happened to me, needed to happen for me. I needed to grow and learn.