Friday, June 21, 2013

I Wish I Could Turn Back Time

My friend's son committed suicide on Tuesday and a flood of memories are haunting me. Ten years ago I had to go to counseling for my physiological damage. I thought it was something I was doing that gave my friends these morbid thoughts. These are the people that I might of been able to change. I wish they were still here so they know that people want them here.

For Shelby,
I've known for a while that your morbid jokes weren't really jokes. Now I can't handle morbid jokes. You were funny but you were hiding behind your sense of humor. You told me everything and then you kissed all of my friends. I was the only one you would talk to out of all of my friends. I know a lot of secrets about that playhouse in your back yard. I wanted to let you know that I'm sorry that you were ashamed of your parents. A mother with Parkinson and a father that copes with his wife's disease is hard but no ones family is perfect. They loved you.
I remember my mom telling me that you stopped by the house and you were acting weird. You said that you really needed to see me. I wish I was there to talk. I'm sorry I wasn't there the time that you needed me most. The weekend that you stopped by was the weekend that you left. I didn't find out about your passing until later because I wasn't close to your family. I'm sorry.

To Brett,
We knew you were having a hard time. You would sleep for hours and hours but would light up when we (my sister and sometimes my good friend Kara) could come and visit. I remember we would try to help you get ready to leave by helping you do the dishes because you didn't have a dishwasher. You would laugh at us and redo all of the dishes because we didn't ever do them to your pleasing. Memories.
The most crushing day was on the weekend that I was engaged to be married. I remember sitting next to you  at church. I pointed out my ring and you told me, "Congratulations, I'm really happy for you". It was in the most sober voice and I knew that it wasn't sincere. I don't think anyone else saw through this. I'm sure that you knew I was going to be happy and you knew that those were the words to say. I wish I would of said something more than "Thanks".

I never saw it coming. The night before we sat in the basement and talked for about an hour. You seemed happy. I'm sorry you didn't like that fact that I didn't like your friends even if I did think that some of them were cute. Most of them lacked personalities. We were 19. I wish our conversation that night would of triggered a warning or something. Something that would of said, "I need your help". Something or anything. Our parents' marriage didn't last. I think it was from the stress of you being gone. They couldn't cope. You were always there to help. I wish I could of done the same.

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